50: The Camphor Tree
I came up the small specific cement stairs of the Suzhou municipal hospital's outpatient wing at ten-fifty AM Saturday morning of the third week of October with the small specific folded receipt of the cumulative ¥25,160 hospital settlement in the inside pocket of my jacket beside the To Save / To Bury notebook and the small specific Cao Lin slip and the small specific brown paper bag from the small specific hospital pharmacy that contained the small specific six-week refill of the small specific medication regimen that had — since the small specific second invoice settlement two IRL weeks ago — extended my father's transplant timeline by three IRL months — and I stopped at the small specific landing on the second-floor corridor for one full breath.
The corridor was the corridor. The small specific bench at the corridor's far end with the small specific cigarette burn on the wooden slat closest to the wall was the bench I had sat on in old timeline at twenty-three. The small specific receptionist's window with the small specific hand-lettered *Quiet, Please, Patients Resting* sign was the window. The small specific narrow strip of late-October sunlight along the corridor's small specific mosaic floor was the small specific narrow strip.
The corridor was the same corridor it had been in old timeline.
The man in the small specific outpatient ward at the corridor's far end was — by the small specific cumulative ¥25,160 settlement and the small specific six-week refill in the brown paper bag — not, anymore, the same man.
I crossed the corridor.
***
My father was sitting up in the small specific four-bed outpatient ward's small specific window-side chair when I came through the door at ten-fifty-three. He was wearing a small specific clean grey sweater my mother had laid out for him this morning, with the small specific dark blue trousers my mother had ironed yesterday evening, and his small specific reading glasses were on the small specific bedside table beside a small specific Suzhou newspaper that he had — by the small specific signature crinkle along the upper-right margin — been reading at the small specific careful speed of a man whose color had returned enough that newspapers were, again, an option.
He did not, in his face, register surprise as I came in. He had been told — by my mother on the phone yesterday evening — that I would arrive Saturday morning.
He inclined his head a precise quarter-inch.
He said, "Cangtian."
"Pa."
"Sit."
I sat in the small specific bedside chair opposite him.
The launch-week pass-through — that I had been carrying in my chest as a small specific sub-cognitive ambient for the past four IRL weeks of helmet sessions — was, in the small specific IRL hospital ward at ten-fifty-three on a Saturday morning, not running. The IRL fidelity of his face across the small specific bedside chair was the IRL fidelity that no launch-week pre-render team had been faithfully approximating. The small specific lines at the corner of his eyes that the medication regimen had — by the small precise mechanism — slightly softened in the past three IRL weeks were the IRL lines. The small specific color along the line of his cheekbone that had, six IRL weeks ago when he had first been admitted, been the small specific grey-yellow of a man whose liver was failing was now the small specific pale-but-not-grey of a man whose liver was — by the small precise mechanism of three IRL weeks of medication response ahead of schedule — recovering.
He was — recovering.
He was forty-seven IRL years old. He had, in old timeline at this exact small specific calendar date, been admitted to the small specific in-patient ward four corridors east of this small specific outpatient ward with the small specific pre-surgical fast already scheduled for the small specific Tuesday morning that would, in the old timeline, have killed him. In the new timeline he was sitting in the window-side chair of the small specific outpatient ward in a small specific clean grey sweater reading a small specific Suzhou newspaper.
He set the newspaper down.
He said, "You walked up."
"I walked up."
"You did not take the elevator."
"I never take the elevator at hospitals."
"Mn." A small precise quarter-inch incline. "Your mother told me you wired the third settlement on Tuesday."
"I did."
"From the game."
"From the game."
"How much, total, since September."
"Twenty-five thousand one hundred and sixty yuan."
He inclined his head a precise quarter-inch.
He said, "Mn."
He did not say anything for the small space of three full breaths.
The small specific outpatient ward's small specific window looked out across the small specific cement courtyard at the small specific camphor tree I had stood at the window watching on October the second when I had first come back to Suzhou after the small specific first hospital invoice. The camphor tree's small specific dusty green leaves were, three IRL weeks later, beginning to take on the small specific small Suzhou-autumn yellow at the upper branches. The small specific old woman in the flowered nightgown at the second-floor window of the building opposite was — at this small specific late-October hour — not at her window. The small specific narrow band of late-October sunlight came across the small specific cement courtyard in a long pale line.
He said, after the three breaths, "Cangtian."
"Mn."
"I have, in the past three IRL weeks since the second wire, been thinking about the small specific shape of what you have been doing."
"Mn."
"I do not — by the small specific small-Pingjiang-Road-shopkeeper way — have any small specific sophisticated framework for thinking about it. I have only, in the past three weeks, observed the small specific sequence of events. The sequence is — your mother stops looking up from the rice cooker every time the doorbell rings. Your sister stops asking me, at the dinner table, whether her tuition will be paid in November. The small specific bills from the hospital arrive and they are paid before I have to explain to your mother why we cannot pay them. The small specific clinic visits happen on schedule because the small specific clinic visits no longer have to be scheduled around the small specific question of whether we can afford them. The small specific Doctor Yan comes into this small specific outpatient ward at his small specific weekly rounds and he speaks to me as if I am a man who has — by the small specific *medication response ahead of schedule* — three more IRL months than he had budgeted for me. I am — three more IRL months. The small specific *three more IRL months* is — Cangtian — the small specific *three more IRL months* is the small specific most precise thing you have given me. Not the small specific money. The small specific money is — the small specific instrument. The small specific *three more IRL months* is the small specific gift."
I held his eyes.
I did not say anything.
He inclined his head a precise quarter-inch.
He said, "And the girl."
"Pa."
"You are — by the small specific evidence of the small specific way you have been walking through the front door of the flat on Saturday mornings for the past two weeks — going to bring a girl home soon."
"Pa."
"Cangtian. I am asking. Bring the girl home."
I held his eyes.
The launch-week — for the first time in the small specific IRL three weeks of being inside it — fully went away in my chest. The small specific cradle band's small specific sub-cognitive ambient that I had been carrying as a small specific persistent pulse along the inside of the IRL ribcage went quiet.
I said, very quietly, "All right, Pa."
"Mn."
He picked up the small specific Suzhou newspaper.
He turned the page.
He said, without looking up, "Next Saturday. Your mother will make pork ribs. Don't let her make a thing of it."
"I won't."
"Mn."
He read the newspaper.
I sat in the small specific bedside chair beside the window for the small space of fifteen IRL minutes.
The small specific narrow band of late-October sunlight along the small specific cement courtyard moved by perhaps twelve centimeters across the courtyard in the fifteen IRL minutes. The small specific old woman in the flowered nightgown returned to the second-floor window of the building opposite at one of the small specific late-October minutes and resumed eating a small specific peeled pear with the small specific careful pace of an old woman in a flowered nightgown at her second-floor hospital window in October. The small specific camphor tree's small specific upper branches caught the small specific narrow band of sunlight in the small specific dusty-yellow way that the launch-week atmosphere mod's small specific Jianghai-temple cherry tree had been a small careful approximation of, three weeks ago, in a different city in a different rendering, that I had only registered now, in the small specific IRL ward, as the approximation it had always been.
The IRL was — sharper.
The IRL had always been — sharper.
I had, for five years of old timeline, been so deep inside the small specific helmet's launch-week pass-through that I had — at the moment of the small specific final cockpit's small specific closing — been unable to remember when I had last sat in a small specific IRL bedside chair beside a window with my IRL father reading a small specific IRL newspaper while a small specific IRL camphor tree in a small specific cement courtyard caught the late-October sun.
I sat in the chair.
He read the newspaper.
The cracked-egg-stain dorm ceiling was four hours of IRL train away.
***
At twelve-fifteen IRL my mother came up from the small specific hospital pharmacy with a small specific paper bag containing the small specific lunchtime portion of millet porridge and pickled cabbage she had walked home for and re-warmed and walked back to the small specific outpatient ward with — and at the small specific moment of her coming into the ward she set the paper bag on the small specific bedside table and turned to me without surprise.
She said, "Cangtian."
"Ma."
"You are — pale."
"I have not slept enough."
"Mn."
She put her hand, very briefly, on the small specific line of my forehead with the small specific check-of-the-temperature gesture she had used when I was small. The IRL small specific check-of-the-temperature gesture was the IRL gesture. The launch-week pass-through engine had not been — would never have been — capable of approximating it.
She lowered her hand.
She said, "You will eat the small specific lunch with your father. You will then take the small specific one o'clock train back to Hangzhou. You will sleep when you arrive at the dorm. The small specific girl you are bringing home next Saturday — Pingjiang Road auntie has, by the small specific Pingjiang Road information network, been telling me her name for the past three IRL weeks. The name is Wanqing. The Wanqing is the small specific Su Wanqing your father and I have known since you were eight. The small specific eight-year-old has — by the small specific Pingjiang Road information network — been with you since launch morning on September the first."
I held her eyes.
I said, "Yes, Ma."
"Mn."
She inclined her head a precise quarter-inch.
She said, "Cangtian. The small specific Su Wanqing is — the right girl. I am — your mother. I have been your mother for nineteen IRL years. I am — informing you of the small specific *right girl* judgment so that you do not have to ask me, in some small specific small private moment that would be embarrassing for both of us, whether I approve."
I sat for the small space of three breaths in the small specific bedside chair with the small specific cumulative ¥25,160 receipt in the inside pocket of my jacket and the small specific six-week refill paper bag at my elbow and the small specific late-October sun on the small specific camphor tree and the small specific *right girl* judgment my mother had — by the small precise IRL mechanism that no launch-week pass-through engine could ever approximate — handed me at twelve-sixteen IRL on a Saturday morning in October.
I said, very quietly, "Thank you, Ma."
"Mn."
She turned to my father.
She unwrapped the small specific lunchtime portion.
He set the small specific Suzhou newspaper down.
The three of us ate lunch at the small specific bedside table.
***
I caught the one PM train back to Hangzhou.
On the train I sat by the window. I drank the small specific hot tea my mother had given me in the small specific old enamel thermos. I watched the small specific late-October flatlands roll past in the long pale gold panels.
The small specific folded receipt of the cumulative ¥25,160 hospital settlement was in the inside pocket of my jacket beside the To Save / To Bury notebook and the Cao Lin slip and the small specific other small folded papers I had — by the small specific past four IRL weeks of accumulating small specific civic instruments — been carrying.
I added one small specific final pencil tick to the To Save list.
The pencil tick was beside *Father* — the small specific *Father* at the top of the list under *Mother* — the small specific *Father* whose small specific *three more IRL months* my mother had, in old timeline, lost.
I closed the notebook.
I tucked it back into the inside pocket.
I closed my eyes.
I slept for the rest of the train ride.
***
When I came up through the small specific Hangzhou north station's small specific ticket gate at four-twenty PM IRL, Wanqing was at the small specific small private bench at the gate's western lip with her hands in the small specific white hoodie's pocket and the small specific small canvas backpack at her hip and the small specific late-October Hangzhou afternoon sun on the small loose strand of hair at her cheekbone, and she did not stand as I came through the gate.
She watched me cross the last fifteen meters.
I stopped one IRL meter from the bench.
She inclined her head a precise quarter-inch.
She said, "Cangtian."
"Wanqing."
"He told you to bring me home."
"He told me to bring you home."
"Next Saturday."
"Next Saturday."
"Pork ribs."
"Pork ribs."
"Mn."
She stood up. She crossed the one IRL meter. She put her hands, very lightly, against the front of my IRL grey jacket where the small specific cumulative ¥25,160 receipt was in the inside pocket beside the To Save / To Bury notebook.
She said, "Cangtian."
"Mn."
"I have — in the small specific past four IRL weeks of being a co-founder of the small specific *Severing Light* guild and the small specific civic anchor of the small specific *First-Hour Pioneers* duo and the small specific girlfriend of the small specific Pioneer of the Tianlong Server who is also a small specific HZUT computer-engineering freshman who works the early shift at Manager Fang's IZ NET CAFE — been thinking about what I would wear next Saturday to your mother's pork ribs."
"Wanqing."
"I have decided on the small specific dark green sweater."
"All right."
"Mn."
She lifted up onto the toes of her IRL canvas sneakers. She put her mouth, for the small space of one full breath, against the small specific spot at the line of my IRL jaw where her two fingers had been at the in-game cleft mouth at midnight, and where her mouth had been at the in-game small private second-floor room of the Greenleaf Inn at seven-fifty-three on Friday evening.
She held it.
She lowered.
She said, "Walk me back to the dorm. We can — by the small specific reasonable IRL mechanism of having both slept long last night — log in tonight at eight for the *Severing Light* charter's first guild war scout. The small specific guild war is in the small specific four IRL weeks. We have — by the small precise mechanism — not stopped, even for the small specific Saturday afternoon."
"All right."
We walked.
The small specific cracked-egg ceiling stain in the dorm room of A-7, when I lay down on the lumpy pillow at five-fifty PM IRL Saturday with the small specific cumulative ¥25,160 receipt folded in the inside pocket of my jacket on the small specific desk chair and the small specific six-week medication refill paper bag in my IRL hand having been carried up the four flights of IRL stairs of the dormitory and set on the small specific desk and the small specific dorm window open and the small specific late-October Hangzhou afternoon sun coming flat across the keyboard, was — over me.
I did not look at it.
I lay on my left side with my right shoulder uppermost.
I closed my eyes.
I rested for thirty IRL minutes before the small specific eight PM in-game session.
In my chest the small specific fifth voice — *here* — and the small specific second voice — *three months, three months* — and the small specific first voice — the small specific old counter — were, for the first time in either timeline, all three quiet at the same time.
The small specific cumulative ¥25,160 had bought me — among the small specific instrumental things — the small specific quiet.
I let it be quiet.